


You Give Me Everything And Nothing

by Synnerxx



Series: Habits (Stay High) [7]
Category: Megadeth, Metallica
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Dysfunctional Relationships, Emotional Manipulation, Fights, Loneliness, M/M, Manipulation, Non-Graphic Violence, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 14:27:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6054931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Synnerxx/pseuds/Synnerxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James' thoughts on his and Dave's relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Give Me Everything And Nothing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sleep_and_feel_no_pain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleep_and_feel_no_pain/gifts).



> for raven as always. james' turn to talk.

James sits on the couch in silence while Lars curses at him in Danish, dabbing at the cut above his eyebrow with a damp cloth. He knows enough of the angry words to pick up the curses, his name in between the growled words, spat out like it tastes bad on Lars’ tongue. He sits still and lets Lars tends to him, hands still gentle despite the anger pouring off of him. 

James stays silent, not bothering to defend himself or argue with Lars. Lars is right. Well, James doesn’t really understand much of what he’s saying aside from the curses, but he’s pretty sure he gets the gist of what Lars is talking about. He’s ranting about how stupid James is for going back to Dave over and over again, for letting Dave twist him all up again and again, for letting him get close enough to hurt him again and again. James can’t deny any of this and so he stays silent. 

Finally the wound is bandaged and Lars steps back, looking him over with a deep frown, shaking his head and gathering up the trash from the bandage, cleaning up the mess. He’s stopped muttering under his breath now and the absolute silence rings in James’ ears. He wishes Lars was still talking. 

Lars comes back and stands in front of him, arms crossed. “Well?”

James blinks and looks up at him. “Well, what?”

“Don’t you have something to say for yourself?” Lars asks snippily. 

“What do you want me to say?” James asks, voice tired.

Lars hesitates for a long moment before shaking his head. “Nothing. There’s nothing you can say that you haven’t already said anyway.”

James sighs and rubs the rough fabric of the bandage on his forehead, pressing into it to feel the sting of the cut beneath it. 

Lars slaps his hand away. “Stop that.”

James looks up at him, into those familiar green eyes that he loves in his own way, even if it’s not necessarily the way Lars wants him to. He reaches up and tugs Lars down next to him, cupping a hand around the back of his neck and pulling him into a kiss. Lars tenses, a surprised noise escaping him, freezing for a long moment before he gives in and kisses James back deeply.

Lars breaks the kiss after a few seconds and pushes himself away from James. “No. No.”

James reaches for him again and Lars shoves his hands away again. “I said no, James.”

“Lars, come on, please. I need you.” James tries, voice a touch pleading in just the way that works on Lars. 

Lars hesitates again before shaking his head. “No. We’re done. I’m not coming back to you just because you had a fight with Mustaine and you’re all pissed off at him. I’m done playing this stupid game with you.”

James sighs and drops his hands back into his lap, falling silent again, not wanting to argue with Lars as well, all the fight draining out of him. Fighting with Dave always left him worn out and feeling empty inside. 

Lars watches him cautiously for another couple of moments before sighing himself. “I’m sorry, Jamie. But you know this is what’s best. For us, our friendship, Metallica, the others. This is how it has to be.”

James nods jerkily, not saying anything. He doesn’t agree, but he doesn’t bother trying to change Lars’ mind. Once it’s made up, there’s no changing it. He’s like Dave in that way. Stubborn to the very end. 

In fact, there’s a lot of ways that Lars is like Dave. Their tendency to manipulate, even without meaning to, the cruel streak when they’re hurt, their stubbornness, their ability to hold grudges long after they should have let them go. He supposes that’s why he’s drawn to both of them. Never let it be said that he doesn’t have a type.

Lars nods back, looking James over once more. “You need anything else?”

James shakes his head. 

Lars bites his lip a little, wanting to help, wanting to give James what he wants, but he’s got to protect himself too and he doesn’t want to fall into the same old game where he doesn’t win. No one does, not really. He gets to his feet and fishes his keys out of his pocket. 

“Well, I’m gonna take off then. Keep that cut clean.” Lars says, shifting his weight from foot to foot. 

James nods again, still not saying anything. 

“Okay, well, I’ll see you soon. Band practice tomorrow.” Lars gives him a small smile.

James flicks a hand at him, dismissive. 

Lars shakes his head and takes his leave, shutting the door a little harder than necessary, but not quite slamming it as he leaves, letting James know that he isn’t happy with him still.

Seems no one is these days. 

James kicks off his boots and lays down on the couch, a headache pounding at his temples. He closes his eyes against it and, as usual, his thoughts drift back to Dave. 

He knows that, deep down at the core of their relationship, they don’t work. They’re too toxic for each other. Dave twists him around until he doesn’t know which way is up and he’s just as bad for Dave, working him up and pissing him off regularly. Sometimes it’s a little bit on purpose. 

He knows what he’s doing, knows what certain things said will gain him the reactions he wants when he feels Dave isn’t giving him the attention he wants. He knows how that sounds, how childish it is. But there’s something in him that craves, needs Dave’s attention and he can’t help himself. He hates it. He wishes he could rid himself of the poison that is their fucked up relationship once and for all, but he knows he never will.

He doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know how to let Dave go. He can go days, weeks, months, even years sometimes, without messing with Dave, but eventually, he always comes back to Dave. Always. There’s no denying that he’s hopelessly addicted to Dave Mustaine and he’ll never get clean. 

His headache gets worse, threatening to turn into a migraine and he whimpers, curling up into a ball, burying his face in the cushion of the couch. 

He wants to be happy. He wants to love someone and be loved in return. He loves Dave. Dave doesn’t love him enough. Lars love him. He doesn’t love Lars enough. It’s a mess. A complicated, terrible mess. 

He wishes Dave loved him the way he loves Dave. He wishes he could love Lars the way Lars loves him. He knows logically that none of them can help how they feel, but it’s really getting to the point where he can’t take it anymore. 

He doesn’t know what to do. He knows he should stop messing with Dave and try to build a life with Lars. He knows Lars can give him what he needs, will love him the way he wants Dave to love him. But he just doesn’t feel the same for Lars and that makes his heart ache because he knows how that feels. He has the same problem with Dave. As if that’s not bad enough, he hates being on this side of it as well with Lars. 

Maybe none of them are meant to work out. Maybe none of them are meant for each other. He and Dave certainly can’t get their shit together for a real chance at happiness. Fundamentally, they just don’t work. They’re too much alike in all the wrong ways, rough edges that scrape the other and irritate and go against their grains. 

He’s not stupid. He knows he should just let Dave go, cut him out of his life, but he can’t. He can’t let go of that ginger bastard, no matter how he tries. 

He hopes Lars doesn’t make the same mistake he’s made with Dave and eventually figures out how to let him go and move on from him. He knows that Kirk is in love with Lars. He’s not sure if Lars knows that, but Kirk isn’t exactly subtle. Lars would be much better off with Kirk than he would be with him. But love rarely works out the way you expect. 

His head throbs and he whimpers softly, wishing someone was there to hold him. He winces and stumbles to his feet, going into his bathroom and getting his migraine medicine and popping two into into his mouth and grabbing a paper cup from beside the sink, filling it with water and swallowing the pills. He pulls off his clothes with clumsy fingers and crawls into bed, whimpering again as his head begins to pound even more.

He hates the stress that follows a fight with Dave. He knows Dave’s temper, knows what buttons to press to make him angry. He doesn’t know why he feels the need to disrupt the peace between them, but there’s just something in him that needs to stir things up when they’re going too smoothly. There’s an itch in him, a restless feeling when everything is going well. 

He pulls the blankets up over his head, hoping his meds kick in soon. The pain is making his eyes water and he feels sick. He breathes through the wave of nausea and it slowly eases, fading away again. He sighs in relief, pressing his face into his pillow for a moment, before turning his head to take a deep breath. 

He needs to fix this somehow. He doesn’t want to reach out to Dave, doesn’t want to admit that he’s wrong, even though he knows he is this time around. He’s the one that started the fight, going too far with his teasing, slamming his fist down on one of Dave’s buttons and setting him off. He knows he did. 

He wishes they could find a way to coexist with each other. Live in harmony, but they can’t. Neither of them are willing to change, willing to compromise, too set in their own ways and not wanting to give into the other. They don’t know how to communicate well with each other. The only emotions they express well to each other are anger and lust. 

Deep down, they don’t even trust each other. Dave still holds onto the past, still angry and bitter over being kicked out of Metallica, no matter how many times James apologizes, tries to make up for it. Dave just keeps holding onto it, letting it darken his heart to James. James gets petty and small when he’s angry at Dave, passive aggressive and manipulative when it suits him.

He knows he should move on from Dave, should even move on from Lars. Find someone that really suits him, someone that he can love and will love him. Someone that meshes well with him, that he will bend and compromise for and someone who will do the same for him. The way a real relationship works.   
He doubts there really is anyone out there for him like that. He’s not even sure he deserves it with the way he treats Lars and Dave. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he should just stay alone for the rest of his life. That way he can’t hurt anyone else the way he’s hurt them.

Another wave of nausea crashes into him and he whimpers, sweat breaking out on his forehead, but he keeps breathing slow and steady through it and it fades too. He groans softly and pulls the blanket from his face, letting the cool air of the bedroom dry the sweat on his forehead. He tries to relax, knowing the tenser he is, the worse his migraine becomes. 

He feels the medicine start to kick in, the pain dying down a few notches. He turns over onto his stomach and curls his arms around his pillow, trying to shove down all thoughts of Dave, wanting to go to sleep and not dream of him. Dave haunts his dreams, even when he’s upset with him. Even when he doesn’t want to see him. 

He relaxes into the bed and resigns himself to seeing Dave in his dreams, knowing he will anyway. He closes his eyes and slowly drifts off, chasing after red-gold curls, a vicious smirk, and dark, wicked eyes.


End file.
